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The point of it all

I'm standing on campus today, listening to a little Ryan Adams (Cold Roses, disc 2), and I look around and smile. God, I missed this. I missed constant interaction and participation. I missed being IN my city. I missed meeting new people and putting in effort towards something. Seriously, that's what's been missing: Purpose.

The majority of the summer has been spent reaffirmming standards. Standards for my personal life, standards for my professional life, and standards for my life's direction. Absent from many of my relationships for a very long time has been a sense of confidence about what I was doing. I mean, why would this would this girl want to go out with me? I had no idea why anyone would. Obviously, not the best way to go through a partnership.


So this is me and I'm putting it up here. It's been a long six months of soul-searching. Of reverting back into the well that is my brain. Facing my two ultimate fears: Failing and becoming a bitter, lonely bastard who resents everyone who does better than me. It's actually a double fear. That's why it goes on in a run-on sentence.



The thing is, (and this kind of peaked the other day when I was reminiscing with an old friend about something) it does me no good to be REMINDED about the past. I obsess about it enough for everyone. Every mistake, every regret, every wrong turn. They've all been run around and around the mulberry bush until the monkey took an aluminum bat to the weasel. Pop.

There's an affirmation that I use for myself now. It's not a mantra or a Stuart Smally-esque "morning-in-the-mirror," thing. I just close my eyes, put on a good song (whatever one has gotten me to warm up recently) and think about my friends and family. The Titanic Trio, the Toasters, the Old Guard, the Group, the Inmates, M&E, The Lifers, D&GEO, F.I.T.'s, and the Comic Shoppers. Lame names, (and none of them're actually called that) but this is the tapestry of people in my life that are always there for me and who I'm always there for. They believe in me and for that I wash away all the bitterness and spite. I focus, play it out, and remember why I'm doing what I'm doing now: Finishing what I started.



This is the guy I was five years ago. This is who I've always been, but forgot how to do it. Not to say I'm moving backwards, but imagine forgeting how to speak a language or ride a bike. I'm slowly sliding back into the world without a cloud of fear and frustration. I've got to say that I've missed it.

Here's to a grad party in June. Here's to spending even more time with my family on both coasts. Here's me wishing more good luck on the people that wish it on me. Here's to one great summer that was made possible by the best people I could ever know. In Sinatra's own words, "I did it my way."

*Slips on headphones, fires up iPod, starts writing about television and comic books and movies*

posted by AmeroKafka @ 7:43 PM