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So hard to say, "goodbye"

It's been awhile since I've been good about posting here. I've hit the high notes of X-mas or New Year's (can't miss THOSE posts, y'know), but the usual barrage of sometimes useless, sometimes poignant, sometimes (rarely) thought-provoking posts have drifted off. Mostly, that's 'cause I'm just damn lazy or too busy. Also, I've just been devoid of anything that I thought warranted being up here. Until last Saturday.

I hate saying, "goodbye" to the point of avoidance. Let's just get that straight. No one on this planet who has any type of compassion should be able to say that they can deal with a close friend or loved one leaving their immediate proximity. If they say they can, run away from them. They have no soul.

Will is by far one of my closest friends and our friend, Nick, is one of my most important. At one point, I had to say goodbye to both of them in some respect. We went to different colleges for awhile. Will moved to Wisconsin. People can just generally move apart, socially. I have the utmost respect for the two of them and their feelings (despite what I may sound like in a social setting), so when someone that THEY care about leaves and I have to watch them deal with it, I empathize with them because it's upsetting them. On Saturday, they both said, "goodbye" to someone that they loved very dearly. Her name's Pauline.

Now, I know the girl. She's a mutual acquaintance, so it's not like I have no idea who she was or how much she meant to them. The thing is, when I heard she was returning home to Hong Kong (she's a Chinese citizen), it made me a little sad. She's a fun girl, a partier, smart, funny and she brings joy to some very close people to me. The thing is, she and I never got a chance to actually become anything other than our friend's friend. Just the way things work out.

As we stood there in the airport, a small group of friends of Pauline and Will, hugging, photographing, making jokes to add levity (that'd be me), I watched these people around me get very choked up. Now, I didn't get choked up. I don't know Pauline as well as Will and Nick, but I knew where they were coming from and there was this moment where we were all setting around a table in the food court and people began to get really choked up and avoiding talking or eye-contact. All I wanted to do was make a joke or splash water on my head or something to lighten the mood. I just had a feeling that that wouldn't have helped. I mentioned I needed to get quick drink and then started wondering the little mini-mall area of the terminal. As I meandered in and out of the shops I saw, I started to pick-up little items that I thought Pauline should have for her trip. Included in this mini care package was a copy of Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman, a pack of playing cards with pictures of Oregon on them, a bag of Almond Roca and a Portland t-shirt.

I have no idea what prompted me to do this, but when we were going around the circle giving Pauline that last goodbye hug, I felt like that was my way of saying, "I wish I'd gotten to know you better."

posted by AmeroKafka @ 6:59 PM