emo tech support

Into the Fire...

Sometimes it's about what you're thinking when you fall and hit the ground. The last thoughts to roll through your head before it hits the pavement... that's what really begs the questions. I have this theory that the afterlife is just a tapeloop of the final visions you have in your mind's eye before death. I don't think of this as hell, mind you, living out the rest of your existence in a constantly repeating loop of an echo... I think your life would continue in this fantasy moment from the final moment and for eternity. Think Vanilla Sky, but more Jason Lee and less Tom Cruise.

************************************************************************************

I realized after this amazing long weekend that two things matter to me: getting my shit together and the fact that I have an amazing band of friends.

The former sounds like something everyone says. "Gotta get my shit together about schoo/work/job/women..." It's true that it's way too often emphasized by the masses of 20-somethings that pontificate about their meandering existence... I was referring more towards dating and maybe trying to not be looking for anyone right now... at least not until I've, well, "Gotten my shit together."

Various experiences (not limited to this weekend) have shown me that my previous relationships were nothing, but utter failures largely due to the fact that I've lost a great deal of focus towards what I'm looking for in a woman. Even the amazing ones that I have the pleasure of dating, I feel I don't deserve. I force this horrible neurosis before them and they respond in one of two ways; try harder and fail or stop trying and getting while the gettings able to be blamed on me. Neither of these is something that they should be faulted for. If I could have gotten over some horrible insecurity that I was settling for them, I'd be able to contribute something to the relationship. My type of woman is something that I've only grasped onto the cusp of encountering and when the time comes and I have a smack of confidence about me, I'll be able to believe in myself enough to ask whoever she may be if she'd like to grab a second run movie and a cup of coffee with me.

As for the friends point... Saturday was nothing short of fantastic and almost brings me to tears thinking about. This is the first time in the history of my singlehood where my emotions post-break-up are not goverened exclusively by bitterness and lonliness, but by a sentimental appreciation and overwhelming love for the people that have truly shown that they care about me and are there for me when I need them. Whether it's buying me a case of beer or making some time to talk about what's going on with me or even putting me in my place so I don't let my miserable sense of self-defeating attitude corrupt what can only be referred to as, "that new better Mike that we're really getting used to having around." Between the benefits of Will challenging my negativity, the banter that Joey and I have made famous regarding ex's and movies and music, Kelly showing how much she lends to a group dynamic, Brent being more patient and open-minded than we deserve, Karl always up for anything even if he's sicker and more tired than he realizes, foosball games, dessert and coffee, the joy of tits, beautiful domicile rentals, annoying Saturday Market patrons, and toasts to the "next step." It's no wonder that I will wake up on a Tuesday morning and proclaim that we're "blessed" for having such a great time. I'm awash in an obnoxious sense of euphoric optimism about this group of people. I feel like all the time we've spent together has paid off... that we're finally that group of acquaintances that really loves to get together and just kick it and we all realize it collectively. That is a breakthrough that breaks through.

************************************************************************************

Batman Begins will rule.

Serenity will be just as amazing the second time.

Fantastic Four won't be that bad.

I'll love Mr. and Mrs. Smith more without a girlfriend.

That's it for summer predictions re: movies.

posted by AmeroKafka @ 11:25 PM