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Have I told you the downside yet?

Sometimes people tell me I'm a really cool guy and a great friend. Yeah me! These words of encouragement are always nice to hear because, hey, who doesn't love words of encouragement and ego stroking? Or stroking of any kind for that matter?

Last night, I sat on the fire escape over at Barista's apartment with her and talked about my feelings of inadequacy. This is actually a continuous topic of conversation between us mostly because she is very, VERY easy to talk to. She's not judgmental, she's very thoughtful and compassionate, and always an active listener. It reminded me of how Will and I used to talk, and seeing as how my being a tactless bastard earlier in the night had led me to seek out Barista for confessional time, irony was not lost.

Let's get one thing straight about me: I have a mouth that is not wired correctly with my brain. I have ALWAYS had a problem saying what's on my mind before thinking about it. It was so bad in high school, that I was nicknamed, "Tyrant of Tactlessness" and it was probably a well-deserved nickname. I can't really begin to analyze the origins of why this was. I guess, I've always thought that levity was always something that could make people more comfortable. Scratch that... Make ME more comfortable. I have no idea.

Later on, when things started to get ugly in my life and the people around me started to get ugly as well, a dark side of my personality started to respond in kind to any taunting in good fun from friends. I turned into an asshole instead of a jackass. On the one hand, I was sick and tired of taking shit from everyone all the time. I hated it. I wasn't in a good place and here were my friends making fun of me all the time because I wasn't as smart as them. At least, that's what it felt like. It dredged up years of dealing with that from when I was in grade school and never could respond. So, there I was and it was happening again, and I decided I wasn't going to fucking take it. So I didn't. This led to... trouble.

I'm the guy people always feel secure talking to. I'm the guy that offers up decent advice. I'm the guy that always seems to be around when you have your breakdown. I know about the dark secrets in practically everyone's closets. It's a crazy situation to be in when I'm a naturally defensive guy. I've been picked on forever and by everyone, yet still I'm given the keys to the missile silos of the stuff they don't talk about at parties. In some ways, it's a testament to how much they trust me. Which makes me wish I didn't feel so small and betrayed when I'm made fun of. It's just a reflex, I know, but it ends up making me feel bad about myself all over again.

So that brings us to last night. There I am, and Will and I have recently sorted out some of our differences of character, and what do I do? Make a slack-jawed comment that I regretted the moment it escaped my lips. It was one of those moments where you wish you could pull the words back inside because you know you were a moron for saying it.

Frankly, the asshole is no more. He left awhile ago. The tactless guy, though, he's still here. He's always trying to stop himself from being a jackass. He's constantly trying to think before he speaks. It's not easy. This isn't a random occurrence. Two weeks ago, I embarrassed a friend of mine at a breakfast spot. A week later, I did the same thing to a customer at the video store. Every so often, it just happens and when it happens around my friends, I feel doubly terrible.

I'm not the asshole who does it all in malice, but I'm still working on the absent-minded side. I guess, I'm apologizing in advance and reapologizing to those I might have hurt.

You can trust me. I'm still the same old Mikey. Sometimes, when I'm not thinking, I try to be funny and say something insensitive instead. If this results in people having trouble trusting me, I'll understand.

You're more than welcome to just do what another friend of mine did in response to this, though, and punch me in the stomach, nod, and say, "Yup. That worked. I feel much better." I'll mostly likely be buying the drinks after that.

posted by AmeroKafka @ 2:13 PM