Alicia's reply
People must be free to make their own mistakes.
Although your advice is given in honest earnest, and with best intentions in mind, no one's advice can ever substitute for the genuine learning experience of a huge screw-up. Granted, offering your best advice can free you from liability; if something goes terribly wrong, at least you did all you could do.
But it is important to recognize and appreciate "all you can do," and although part of being a good friend is offering your sincere suggestions, another very important part of being a good friend is sticking by your Tried-And-Trues through their largest mistakes, _and_ their refusals to take your good advice. A good friend will do what they can to steer their loyal compatriates away from harm; an excellent friend will still be there after the storm to bring their friend in out of the rain without condescension or reproach.
It may be tempting to withdraw advice entirely when it rarely seems useful or effective; but in many ways, the use of advice lies not in the issue it most obviously appears to address, but rather in the expression of care and concern from one person to another. Although advice may not be taken; it rarely goes entirely unappreciated. Advice is emotive; strong advice is passionate - and even if your subject believes you are wrong, he will surely believe in your best intentions... something that cannot be conveyed through passive agreeance. The advice-offer/rejection dance is a very special and privileged quality of a close and meaningful friendship, something that should not be forgotten.
In conclusion, please reconsider your decision to "not offer real advice" to your friends anymore; and for God's sake, don't lie and say that it isn't out of "frustration."
And post this on your blog if you please, because I think it is a useful piece of advice. (wink.)
Love,
Alicia
Why?
I'm becoming more and more convinced that Ambrose Bierce was accurate in his definition of advice. He referred to it as, "the smallest current coin." What that basically means is that it's worthless. The penny has more value than advice.
Over the last few weeks, between my girlfriend and my best friend, I think I have shared my opinion about possible decisions, goals, and ambitions over 200 times. Now, the difference here is that in a relationship your significant other will stop for a second, think about it, and listen (because that's what makes relationships so great) and sometimes they'll even utter the words, "no, you're right." Friends, on the other hand, really don't like to do that. No matter what the sex, friendship advice is worth even less than Bierce's general definition of advice.
When someone doles out some advice, they do it for two reasons: 1) a self-righteous sense of "knowing better" or 2) a "been-there-done-that" type of scenario where one person knows what the other is going through from personal experience.
I'm of the mind that people should listen to their gut about 5%, their family 15%, their friends 30%, and common sense for the rest. The friends beat out the family because, let's face it, you hit a certain age and you realize your parents know jack and shit. Your friends are the people who are always there for you. They've known you for a long time, they've held your hand through ever rough patch and they are always, ALWAYS, in the business of looking out for you just as they expect you to do the same.
I guess what I'm trying to say... is that I give up. I know this sounds like something I've said before... I have... I just sincerely give up on giving real advice to my friends... They'll do what they want to, marry who they feel like, move to Hell and Damned, and not look back... I'll never be able to preemptively save them from a mistake or stop them from doing something stupid. For some people... doing something stupid is what they live for. The adventure of it all...
I'm not bitter and this post is not in anger or frustration... I'm just a little disappointed. The principle of the whole dynamic gets lost somewhere. Hm.
