This is me angry/hurt/upset/pissed
As I post this, I am seething. Like, rage. I'm also extremely disappointed and sad. You think you know someone, you think you can trust them... and that all can go away with a sentence. In an instant, the depth of their character shows through and you see them for who they truly are. There's a quote somewhere about how people really only show their true colors. Not that everyone is selfish underneath, but that image they put out? It hides something. Maybe a sad, lonely person or a dark angery person, but someone vastly different than who they walk around as 24/7.
I was going to move into a house at one point this summer. Some people who I'd been associating with for the last few months and I had all talked about it and seemed not only a viable, but fun idea. Cheaper rent, great area, good people, so on.
That was not meant to be. As the dragging on of finding viable housing started to take its toll, one of the members of this enclave started to act... different. Moody, pissed off, vague, and distracted. It came out that I'd pissed him off somehow. Heh. This happens a lot. I'm just one of those guys. One of those people even. A long time ago, I had to make a concession that to be liked and to be true to myself could not occur at the same time. I am who I am. I don't try to offend, but hey, get mad at me? I'll apologize. Not enough? fuck it. I can't be perfect. No one can. I'll take the highest road possible, but that's all I can do.
I steeled myself to be able to talk to this person and take whatever I'd done wrong and be ready to sincerely offer up my humblests so that they'd let it go. Turns out, I really hadn't done ONE thing that'd pissed them off: He had a list.
Now that's just ridiculous. All this time, that person has been keeping track of EVERY action that I've done to get ammunition to get up in my face about what a, "bad person" I am. Apparently:
"I don't appreciate the way you treat women"
Seeing as how the majority of my friends are girls, that's kind of ridiculous. I've never cheated on a girlfriend, struck a girlfriend, or kept secrets from a girlfriend. Yeah, I'm a fuck up and yeah I've torpeded my fair share of relationships by being selfish, needy, and neurotic, but this is just out of left field for someone who has only known me for a few months.
"You're abrasive, loud, and obnoxious."
Have you never been to the video store? Seriously. Next.
"I don't trust that you're not going to try to steal my girlfriend."
Slightly sad and pathetic, right here. First of all, LOOK AT ME! I'm a semi-employed 7-year later college graduate of PSU who reads comics, watches movies, and gets his jollies debating the finer points of mainstream pop culture while being completely unable to hold his whiskey. You're right. Total threat. Right here.
"I'm guessing you get all of these characteristics from your father."
Note to all concerned: NEVER, EVER bring my family into it. I bitch about my parents and sibling constantly. I'm allowed. 25 years and counting of dealing with them. You are not unless you want all of your teeth to suddenly resemble the decorations on your christmas tree after you tripped and fell into it.
There's more, but it's not worth mentioning. It's just more insecure babble that pretty much states that they're a little person with big issues.
See, that's not why I'm upset though. Fuck that person. Remember? High ground.
What has totally broken me is that their significant other, someone who I had started to truly become great friends with, is now forced to no longer hang out with me to appease the other person. That's what I'm disappointed about. That's what makes me sad. You think you know where you stand, and in a flash... The people you lay your trust upon can show true colors. True weakness. True lack of character.
I'll regret this post in a few months. Hence the lack of names or sexes.
I just needed to get out the crappy feeling inside.
End of an Era
We're winding down on the end of "Mikey's College Experience" within the next 8 hours or so. How does Ye Olde Slacker use these last valuable ticks of the clock? Watching bad action movies and blogging while enjoying the end of a Marathon Taverna induced buzz.
So to recap:
About 7 years ago, I graduated from West Linn High School and packed my bags for Linfield College intent on studying creative writing and doing very little involving my good old days. I really just wanted to move on from Jen, the HS drama, my folks and their insane situation, my sister's shadow... y'know. And what happened? I made good. Editor of this, program director of that, columnist here, DJ there... and like THAT it was gone thanks to my fears of success. Yeah, it's easy to say it was April or 9/11 or whatever, but chances are that the depression that started kicking in that junior year at Linfield was something that was due to just not being able to see anything through to the end. The same thing happened at OSU and almost happened at PSU. The closer I get to the prize, the more I'm afraid of it. I mean, what happens next? What do I do once I get a hold of a degree? What do I fucking do then?
Tomorrow they say my name and I walk across a stage and Lisa Deadly, Barista, Sanelle, Will, Kevin, Baker, my folks... They're all going to see me do it. Sunday, drinking will occur with the friends of the past and the friends of the present... Wow. S'just been a long time coming, I guess.
It's weird to think that I'll be graduating with friends from high school, watched by my friend from Davis, CA (OSU era) and my friends from Burnside (PSU era). If I could have gotten Karl to attend, the circle could have been complete. Alas, serendipity doesn't always bend to our wills.
Other tidbits...
I'll be posting on Sequart again soon. They're still eager for me to write for them (despite a month's absence due to final term mojo) and I'm thinking about making a portfolio of my samples to send to other websites.
I still rule the video store. Well, not really, but tonight especially saw me in my zone. Working with the Irish Rocker, Not-gay-Josh, Ali Cat, BTK, and (shudder) Carrot has never made me feel more like I have some of the best clerkin' skills at the old HW. A customer even came up Carrot and said, "Hey, I heard that this guy (me) is the guy that knows all about movies." Carrot begrudgingly replied, "Well, SOME people say that..." I don't know why the guy has to be such a tool. He must have a brain parasite that constantly screams pretentious drivel and awkward-silence causing randomness into his ear... Aw well. I always do better with a nemesis, anyway.
I hate job-hunting. I hate temp agencies. I hate time cards and tax forms and interviews and, "if we could hire you right now, we would..." I loathe all of it. Whatever gets me through the day...
I'll be posting grad pics as soon as Barista takes some tomorrow.
AGAIN! Party at the Bitter End on Sunday the 18th, 7pm. Attendees? Dennis, Pete, Will, Baker, Sloth, Kevin, K3hl, Karl, Jake, Rose, Barista, Sanelle, Lisa Deadly, Kevin, Rachelle, Burton, Jamie the Bartender... and my Dad.
Last but never least: I'm trying to get in on a house that would be a dream coup over in Ladd's Addition. I need a couple of roommates. Interested? Hit me up.
Short post during an all-nighter...
We're winding down on the end of the collegiate experience for good ol' Mikey. Lord, how did we get here?
I'm typing this at 4am on a Red Bull and coffee binge. I have another paper and one more question on the take home final to go. For some reason, this gets harder the closer I get to the finish line. It's almost like I don't want it to end. When it does, all I'm left with is the degree and the memories (which have been great), but then what? Where to next? Job prospects seem to appear for me and then just as quickly evaporate. I'll get called out of the blue for an interview, kick ass at it, have some spotty communication with the HR rep... and then nothing. Suffice it to say, I can't keep up working at the video store. Night jobs are offcially NOT my thing anymore. I need my life back.
Right now, with news of my building going condo, the inevitable move has to commence... AGAIN. I hate moving. I hate packing, throwing out stuff I can't fit, folding clothes, cleaning floors, begging for help from friends and family, and then spending the hottest day of the year unloading it all into a new place with LOTS of stairs (always stairs... so many...) and having to reaquaint myself with a new home. There's this one quote in Garden State about home which I don't feel like citing here, but it basically states that home doesn't exist except in memory of the past. No matter how hard I try, the only home I've created is this city. That's why I stay here. It's my home. The whole damn place. From the comic book store to the Chinese restaurant, Sushiland and Powells, the video store and the Bitter End, Coffee House and Music Millenium... This is it. No matter how many times I bounce around from place to place, the city stays with me.
Jake, Christine, Sanelle, and a few others and I are trying to swing a 5 bedroom house in a really nice part of town. The price is perfect and would allow me to get a handle on my finances once again. Oh who am I kidding, I never have a handle on my finances...
Rats. I've killed enough time. Back to work...
Party at the Bitter End. Sunday June 18th, 6pm or so. We've sorta rented the bar. Come buy drinks for Kevin, Baker, Emily and me. We've earned it and the drunken thanks and hugs of love for all of the support that people have given us will make it all worth it. I'm going to try to get my dad to come. This time I'll actually know he's there when I'm drunk off of my ass.
Scooby Doo, Where Were You?
Honestly, I really wanted to put off posting until I'd graduated/gotten a job/had actual news to report. The fact of the matter is that I don't think that's exactly wise. Mostly because this is sort of therapy for me and to avoid it might actually be a bad thing on El Braino. So, here we go:
*Sexual Assault and the Evil Myspace (not that one has much to do with the other) and the End of Relationships As We Know It:
Since January of this year, four girl friends of mine have been sexually assaulted in some manner. Whether by someone they thought was a close friend, a stranger, an awkward situation gone awry, or just plain rape, this is insanely disturbing. It is said that one in three women have been raped or sexually assaulted. That is even more insanely disturbing. How does this happen? How can men be THAT retarded as to think that "No" means, "Oh, ok, instead of just being nice, I'm going to throw you against the bed, pin you down, and fuck you until I'm done and then leave you as mess and go relax and watch Sports Center." What's even more insane is that I have more friends that have been straight-out raped than girls I hang with that haven't. None of these girls share anything in common. Manners of dress, beliefs systems, recreational activities, nada. They're completely different people and yet they've all got this ONE thing in common. Currently, a girl I met last summer has been posting on her blog about her experiences being raped and the supporters of her experience in dealing with it have dubbed her a "survivor." I'm not sure how to take that label. She didn't survive it, she endured it and is now dealing with it. I just can't the image of a Holocaust Survivor when someone uses that label. Those are survivors of the worst variety because they lived through literal Hell and came out alive. I'm not a woman and I've never been raped, but I would say that the label of "victim" isn't appropriate, but there needs to be a better label than "survivor." They're not surviving the experience, they're surviving the fallout. The inability to trust people, the recluse behavior, the fits of depression and emotional outburst, etc. I'm not one to hand out labels. Maybe someone has an idea. It just makes me sick that it's come to this; that men can't take "no" for an answer and feel the need to just fuck'm until they can ignore the tears. I'm well aware of the occasional misunderstanding, but I've seen my guy friends get too drunk to understand the No means No vibe. It's a disturbing conundrum to think that you could be interacting with three women in a day and one of them has been raped. What the fuck...
*Myspace.com cannot stay out of the news. This is mostly because Myspace.com is another babysitter for the nation's youth that has gotten out of their control due to lack of understanding. First it was television and how parents would just plop their kids down in front of a glowing box and go about their daily self-involved crap. Then, one day, they saw some news story about what was on TV that their kids were watching. Violent programming? Sex on sitcoms? WHAT WHAT WHAT? How dare they! Next up was the video game revolution. Seems harmless just letting kids play Pong and Mario Bros. all day, right? Not with those evil Mortal Kombat games around, no no. Ripping out spines and burning alive ninjas is not the Christian way! This must be dealt with as well! Now, we're in the Myspace.com era. Oh dear god, will the news ever end their long-running story. Guess what? They're are sexual predators, identity thieves and prostitutes running around seeking to harm your children and they're all on Myspace.com!!!! Ok, for a second, let's stop and think about this for a second: if people would just take better care of their relationship with their kids, there would not be this problem. Fundamentally, this is the issue. Parenting sucks 'cause it's so damn hard. Gotta actually talk to your kids, be interested in their life, not judge them on their mistakes and disappointing behavior, actually keep track of them, sheesh!
*So a couple of people I know who were very much in love and were engaged and due to tie the knot have broken up just last week. I have a hard time really believing in relationships all of a sudden. I mean, by no means was this couple the perfect couple, but they were so in love that the codependance issues seemed to almost be moot. I just wish I could have a concrete example of a decent couple with which to believe in. The problem with coming from a divorced family has always been that the model for your own marriage usually comes from your own parents and if anyone who reads this knows mine, that's probably not going to work so well. Just a random thought.
I hope to get back on the horse of posting soon. I just really want to be talking about the good things instead of the bad. I know there are some and by no means am I sitting around mopey and depressed, but I really need a change that I can get excited about. Here's hoping.
