Thursday, March 30, 2006

Dancing with myself

New York has been pretty great, so far. Hanging with the sister is pretty fun. I've taken some great photos and I've discovered what REAL comic book shops are like (i.e. super megastores packed with interested people who have to form lines that queue they're so long). Tomorrow, I'm going to try to see the DC comic offices, the MOMA, and my sisters play (i <3 musical theater) and then see my grandparents this weekend.

I will say this, though: I had an experience that pretty much made me pretty confidant. I won't go into to too much detail, but it didn't involve a success of any kind of trivial nature. I didn't win money or get praise, or get laid. I didn't fail, either. I just had a series of events that made me stop and go, "y'know what? i really like who i've become. fuck anybody that has a problem with that." I'll work hard to show them my good sides, but if they don't like me, i'm not upset. if they don't want to date me, then i'll leave them to their opinion and still treat them with respect. if they don't want to hire me, then i'll take what i've learned from this experience and move on.

This is not a post written about anyone specific or to anyone specific. I didn't bomb my job interview or ask a girl out and get rejected or get in a fight with someone over something. I just... realized that I'm not a person who should obsess about what others think of me (ok, who out there wants to be the first to go, "dude, i've been fucking telling you that for years!") I like me. I like who I am and what I have to offer. Those that can't appreciate that choose not to and that has little to do with me unless I'm raping their grandmother and poisoning their dog at the time.

I'm Mike. Hollywood. Mikey. Jackass. He-of-the-Mighty-Man-Bag. Take your pick. If you choose to associate with me or date me or employ me, that's great. If not, I don't cry about it. I give a smirk, look away, and nod. Then... I walk off humming Billy Idol and move on to whatever comes next.

Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once awhile, you might miss it.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Have I told you the downside yet?

Sometimes people tell me I'm a really cool guy and a great friend. Yeah me! These words of encouragement are always nice to hear because, hey, who doesn't love words of encouragement and ego stroking? Or stroking of any kind for that matter?

Last night, I sat on the fire escape over at Barista's apartment with her and talked about my feelings of inadequacy. This is actually a continuous topic of conversation between us mostly because she is very, VERY easy to talk to. She's not judgmental, she's very thoughtful and compassionate, and always an active listener. It reminded me of how Will and I used to talk, and seeing as how my being a tactless bastard earlier in the night had led me to seek out Barista for confessional time, irony was not lost.

Let's get one thing straight about me: I have a mouth that is not wired correctly with my brain. I have ALWAYS had a problem saying what's on my mind before thinking about it. It was so bad in high school, that I was nicknamed, "Tyrant of Tactlessness" and it was probably a well-deserved nickname. I can't really begin to analyze the origins of why this was. I guess, I've always thought that levity was always something that could make people more comfortable. Scratch that... Make ME more comfortable. I have no idea.

Later on, when things started to get ugly in my life and the people around me started to get ugly as well, a dark side of my personality started to respond in kind to any taunting in good fun from friends. I turned into an asshole instead of a jackass. On the one hand, I was sick and tired of taking shit from everyone all the time. I hated it. I wasn't in a good place and here were my friends making fun of me all the time because I wasn't as smart as them. At least, that's what it felt like. It dredged up years of dealing with that from when I was in grade school and never could respond. So, there I was and it was happening again, and I decided I wasn't going to fucking take it. So I didn't. This led to... trouble.

I'm the guy people always feel secure talking to. I'm the guy that offers up decent advice. I'm the guy that always seems to be around when you have your breakdown. I know about the dark secrets in practically everyone's closets. It's a crazy situation to be in when I'm a naturally defensive guy. I've been picked on forever and by everyone, yet still I'm given the keys to the missile silos of the stuff they don't talk about at parties. In some ways, it's a testament to how much they trust me. Which makes me wish I didn't feel so small and betrayed when I'm made fun of. It's just a reflex, I know, but it ends up making me feel bad about myself all over again.

So that brings us to last night. There I am, and Will and I have recently sorted out some of our differences of character, and what do I do? Make a slack-jawed comment that I regretted the moment it escaped my lips. It was one of those moments where you wish you could pull the words back inside because you know you were a moron for saying it.

Frankly, the asshole is no more. He left awhile ago. The tactless guy, though, he's still here. He's always trying to stop himself from being a jackass. He's constantly trying to think before he speaks. It's not easy. This isn't a random occurrence. Two weeks ago, I embarrassed a friend of mine at a breakfast spot. A week later, I did the same thing to a customer at the video store. Every so often, it just happens and when it happens around my friends, I feel doubly terrible.

I'm not the asshole who does it all in malice, but I'm still working on the absent-minded side. I guess, I'm apologizing in advance and reapologizing to those I might have hurt.

You can trust me. I'm still the same old Mikey. Sometimes, when I'm not thinking, I try to be funny and say something insensitive instead. If this results in people having trouble trusting me, I'll understand.

You're more than welcome to just do what another friend of mine did in response to this, though, and punch me in the stomach, nod, and say, "Yup. That worked. I feel much better." I'll mostly likely be buying the drinks after that.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Platonic - 14:1


So I have this shirt. Joey and I were at the Ceder Hill's Crossing mall awhile back and he suggested, in jest, that I get a t-shirt made that advertised my constant platonic friend status. I go, "Dude, why not?" Lo and behold, I throw down the bucks and now own said shirt. Kellan and Will, while digging the joke, abhor me ever wearing it in public because they're of the mindset that if that's what I'm advertising, then that's what women will assume I've set myself up for.

The thing is that I both loathe and love platonic female friends. On the one hand, Lisa Deadly and Barista are great friends that happen to be girls. There's this thing where it's like brothers and sisters and that we look out for each other and not judge each other. An aura of safety exists there where you can count on them to be loyal and understanding and vice versa. Other people who work well in this catergory are Butterfly, Bartender Rose, and, on occasion, Irish Kelly. It's a very healthy scenario that yields a friendship that I look forward to having.

Problem is that it's super hard to come by without falling into some carefully laid "traps" that can spring up. This is in no ways indicative of people's character and I'm not trying to engage in women bashing. No one means to be this way, it just happens. The thing is, that sometimes women can end up using us nice guys. We're eager to be there and be the helpful person, but let me tell you: we hate having to listen to the B.S. about men when we're right there. There's always an inherent attraction in these situations (usually on the guy's side), but friendship usually wins out. I've got some friends that have had this help start everlasting friendships just like mine. The thing is that when this process takes too long, or isn't an honest process, the girl can sometimes take advantage of a vulnerable guy's giving nature. It's unintentional and no one gets any blame here, but... It sucks. It can make men very wary to enter into these relationships because it can make a guy feel used (women, too. I'm not trying to be sexist) and adverse to having platonic female friends.

Over time, the whole "When Harry Met Sally" line about men and women being unable to be friends because of sex can come true. It has the tendency to fuck everything up and should be avoided at all costs. I like to think that these friendships could lead somewhere positive. That being friends with someone of an intimate, trusting nature could lead to a great relationship. Who knows? Sometimes it can work, but I've never been comfortable enough to explore it.

I guess, the point of all of this is that I've been exposed to many of these situations and gotten some truly great friendships out of them. The common difference? Honesty. If both people are honest upfront and throughout? Good results occur. If either side isn't or masks honesty with a confused, "I'm not sure what I want" then nothing can work out well.

Things to keep in mind in the new year...

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Back to the grind...

So I'm hopefully graduating in June... Hopefully, if I can survive this and the next term's worth of class and work. Right now, I'm trying to get my feelers out there to find gainful employment after I get out. Apperently it's not THAT hard, since all of my friends have found jobs, but it's going to take LOTS of work that I'm just frankly intimidated by.

In other news, I have confirmation that the column will be up this week. Right on schedule. Comment if you have an opinion. Also, come by the video store and hang out sometime. If you call the comment line and give me props, it'll apprarently get me promoted. Be serious, though, and actually have an account there ;)

Had a really nice Friday night that I'd like to say was made possible by some good people that I'm glad I got to meet this year: Ashley ("Hat-trick") and Christine ("Barista"). While I hung out with them seperately with Joey being the hold over from both events that night, he commented that I have a knack for finding super-cool platonic girls that are actually fun without being emmasculating. I think that's important.

I'll be off to NYC in T-minus 15 days. If you want souveniers or pictures of certain things, let me know. I'm going to go super-tourist. Comic book stores, night spots, sight seeing... the whole she-bang. My sisters direct quote, "I'm going to show you why this is the best city in the world." You're on.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Theme song for the moment...

"Aside" by the Weakerthans

Measure me in metered lines, in one decisive stare, the time it takes to get from here to there. My ribs that show through t-shirts and these shoes I got for free; I'm unconsoled, I'm lonely. I am so much better than I used to be. Terrified of telephones and shopping mall, and knives, and drowning in the pools of over lives. Rely a bit to heavily on alcohol and irony. Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy poetry. And I'm leaning on a broken fence between Past and Present tense. And I'm losing all these stupid games that I swore I'd never play. And it almost feels okay. Circumnavigate this body of wonder and uncertainty. Armed with every previous failure, and amateur cartography, I breathe in deep before I spread these maps out on my bedroom floor. Leaving. Wave goodbye Losing, but I'll try, with the last ways left, to remember. Sing my imperfect offering.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Happy Birthday, *URP*, to me...

SO! Lessons learned on this, my 25th Birthday? Never accept shots from my friends. It's like I'm a prefrosh at a frat kegger and some guy gives me a red cup with a floating tab in it and the next thing you know my skin looks like its melting. Dear god... Whiskey is the devil...

I will say that I was totally impressed with all of the great friends of mine that managed to make it out. If you showed up and I was a loud, intoxicated lunatic, I apologize. Blame Karl, Will, and Kevin. I don't remember anything after the first double shot of Johnny Walker.

Thanks to Tana, Erin, Jill, Doc, Burton, Caitlin, D, Karl, Kevin, Dani, Brent, Nicole, Will, Desi, Jake, Emily, Dennis, Abel, Kellan, Joey, Joelle, Gator, Kathy, My Dad and Dina, and anyone I forgot to mention. It was great to have so many people there that I could hug ('cause we drunks love the hugging!) and who will forgive me the next day.

In retrospect, 25 is a pretty scary age for me. I don't really have as much accomplished by now as I'd like to. I'm working on it, but it's an arduous pace. I bought Elizabethtown (SHUSH now, you naysayers!!!) and for some reason, I feel a very strong kinship with this movie. It seems to resonate a lot of feelings I have about my life. Plus, the plight of the main character is yet another one of my fears: That even if I become a success, I'll still fuck it up. You can never escape fear of failure. It's impossible, I'm gathering.

In other news: I'm heading to NYC in March/April for a week. See the G-parents, hang with sister, and put a face to NYC Kelly. Weirdness... I'm graduating in June. Twice the weirdness...

Ugh.

Hungry.

More to come at a later date.

DONT FORGET: March 14th or so, new installment of "Square Bound" on www.Sequart.com. I am a columnist, hear me roar.

Oh dear god... It's so true...


cassella --

[noun]:

A person who falls into an outhouse and dies



'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com